The Friendzone

There have been many articles far more eloquent than I could manage on the subject of Friendzoning, but I have to confess that I wish the Friendzone were a real place. I do. With all my heart. I wish there were a place where men would put me, “oh you’re just too adorable and sweet and I just don’t have any desire to touch your netherparts or put my willie anywhere near you!” I imagine it to be a fun happy place, like a bouncy castle, or a turn of the century amusement park, with all of the joyful (not-sexy) things you’d find in a good relationship, and none of the bad. Somewhere safe. Where I know that he honestly wants to be my friend and isn’t just pretending to out of cowardice.

A Friendzone is a safe zone, like in a childhood game of tag. Can’t get me here. I don’t have to worry if a comforting talk or a birthday cupcake or any other kindness is going in a secret ledger that means I owe someone sex. I won’t have a stroke because a friend suddenly kissed me on the mouth, “what on earth?”

It means more to me if someone wants to be my friend than if they want to date* me. It means they want to spend time with me for the sheer pleasure of my company. There’s no sex drive behind it, no urge to copulate, no animal need. It is about me, and not what my body can be used for.

It makes me sad when people say “Friendzone” with venom and spite. But… I’ve always wanted to go there! Is friendship really some worthless booby prize that they don’t care about and don’t want? What’s the world coming to?

So, for those of you who think the Friendzone is a bad place: it’s quite simple. If you don’t genuinely like a person, leave them alone. If you do, it shouldn’t matter whether they let you put your dick in them or not. And no, you don’t get to be frustrated because there is nothing you can do that makes a friend in any way obligated to have sex with you. Ever. The fact that you’re frustrated means you feel entitled to sex, and you aren’t — no matter how “nice” you were.

On a happier note, I’ll make you a deal: if I Friendzone you, you can Friendzone me right back, okay? We’ll mutually agree to be friends and enjoy each other platonically and live happily ever after.

* If you know what I mean [insert obligatory winky face here]