Your Majesty,

Do not let the desperate pleas of this (ex-)colony go unheeded! I know that we had a bit of a spat in the 18th century, and I deeply regret those circumstances. However, I am happy to put that all behind us if you’ll only just consider taking us back. We will be the best colony ever, I promise. We will pay taxes, we will drink tea, we will spell things like colour and honour and realise correctly, and no, by no means will we ever, ever pull a stunt like the one in Boston again. Never ever. I promise.

You were right that we did not deserve to be represented in government. We still don’t, if the current state of our government is any indication. Elected officials who don’t believe in evolution and climate. A congress that can’t agree on a budget. Health care that leads in costs but lags in results. Laxity with guns that’s resulted in more deaths than all of our wars combined. Indeed, I am fully admitting our stupidity. We are helpless, but we could help make the British Empire glorious quite large once again! Guide us, please.


(Disclaimer: This is part of the letter series)

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