Is nothing sacred to a troll? Of course not. Not love, and especially not Valentine’s Day. Now you don’t have to let it be about smug couples and overpriced chocolates. Or about that yawning abyss of loneliness. Here’s what you do:
1. Find something saucy to wear. My favorite is that “burlesque corset” you see above.
2. Prance around in it on Valentine’s Day in a busy romantic/restaurant district near dinner time.
3. Watch in glee as one half of every couple gawks at your gorgeousness and the other half throws a hissy fit.
My wildest fantasy
Yes, I thought I’d share it with you for Valentine’s Day, gentle reader. Or at least this story about it. I was once asked by a significant other what my wildest fantasy was. I responded, “It’s that I have a dragon! And I fly all over on his back, and when someone displeases me, he sets them on fire!”
We were in a hottub at the time, in mixed company and my answer elicited uproarious laughter from everyone present. “No, Dolly. Sexual fantasy…” someone finally said. I hadn’t answered that way to be coy; that really was my wildest fantasy back then. The question about sexual fantasies was completely uninteresting to me, and I explained to them, “There’s nothing fantastical about sexual acts. All you have to do is ask the person next to you, or something. In my case, who can I ask to make my fantasy come true?”
If, this Valentine’s Day, the impossibility of your love or the intractability of your wildest sexual fantasy is giving you anxiety, remember me. I have a far less probable fantasy than yours. Remember me and how there’s nothing I can do about mine. But for you, there’s hope! After all, if you never ask, you’ll never know.
All my love,